Last time on The Adventures of Jamal…
Jamal walked (well technically he trotted) down the office to the guy in charge of assigning missions at the CIA. Earlier that day he had received an encrypted message on his phone (not very secure) to meet at the CIA base (coordinates were included too, even though he knew where it was)
…
“We intercepted a message that someone plans to assassinate the president. We need you to go undercover to stop the assassination and save the president. Oh, and bring me back a Taco Bell CrunchWrap Supreme, I’m always hungry.”
…
A secret service agent walked up to Jamal. “The president thanks you for saving his life. He is inviting you to a dinner party tonight to celebrate his success.”
…
Then a small beep brought Jamal’s attention to the turkey platter in front of him. There was another beep. And another beep. And another. And another. They were getting faster.
“There’s a bomb in the turkey!” Jamal cried.
…
He was about to getaway. Jamal picked up the pace. And tripped. Down he went. Onto the ground. He was thinking that this would be his first failed mission. Then he saw Mr. X(tra damage) trip.
“What the?” Jamal asked.
He then saw his glorious partner, a sloth, slowly rise from a bush. “Hey, Jamal!”
…
Jamal stood up and took a pair of handcuffs out of his pants(He would have let Henry do it, but he would be dead by then). Mr. X(tra damage) was arrested. Jamal got a medal for his service to the United States. Henry was promoted from Junior CIA Agent to Senior CIA Agent.
Jamal and Henry were chilling in their mansion, about to eat their lunch, when they got interrupted by a hologram popping up in the middle of the table. Out of reflex, Jamal grabbed his AK-47 and aimed it between the eyes of the hologram. “Hello, Agent Jamal and Agent Henry. The CIA director requests a meeting. Come at 1700 hours sharp.”
Jamal trotted down the hallway. His partner Henry rode down the hallway on his hoverboard. They were on the way to the Director of the CIA’s office. After Mr. X(tra damage) was arrested for the attempted assassination of the president, the new director, Mr. E(xtra damage) took over. He didn’t take Billy’s head off the pedestal when he redecorated the room. Billy’s head was a reminder not to break the rules, disobey orders, or do anything of the sort (which was kind of hypocritical because Mr.X(tra damage) tried to kill the president).
Mr. E(xtra Damage) was sitting on the other end of the table in his usual shadowy spot, around fifty feet away from the only light source, a candle in the middle of the table. No one knew the director, not even his voice because he was so far away, he needed to use a speaker.
“Agents Jamal and Henry. We have learned about the existence of a living, organic virus. This virus can be altered by simple chemicals to do whatever the owner wants. For example, adding hydrogen and injecting it into a person will hypnotize them. Adding sulfur will turn it into a computer virus. We need you to find it before the Russians.”
“Yes, sir!”
“In the briefcases under the table, you’ll find instructions, along with everything you need for the mission. Good luck. Your mission starts now.”
Jamal and Henry walked down the hall into their office. They sat down at their desks and opened the briefcases that were given to each of them. Inside was: a card entitling them to pick out five weapons of their choice from the armory, car keys, credit cards, laptops, listening devices, micro-cameras, a mega load of carrots(with a “for Jamal” note), a two-ton bag of leaves(with a “For Henry” note), a variety of grenades, and…
“No way!” Henry said.
“This is epic!” Jamal agreed.
“Beyond epic!”
“Amazing!”
“Awesome”
They have received two tuxedos. Only the best agents get tuxedos. The ties double as a whip. The watches are tasers. The handkerchiefs are soaked with chloroform. Built-in gun holsters and grenade slots. The cufflinks are tracking devices. The buttons are listening devices. The sunglasses have facial recognition software.
Jamal tried his tuxedo on. It fit perfectly. Henry tried his suit on. It took half an hour but it also fit. Jamal picked up the instructions:
- Put on your suits. You better use them. They were a thousand dollars apiece!
- Get your weapons from the armory.
- You leave at 16-hundred hours.
- Go to Lat. 36.096850, Long. -115.177880.
- Get a hotel room. Use the credit card.
- Wait for further instructions
“We need to go get weapons from the armory,” Jamal said.
“Yes, we should,” Henry replied over the course of 10 minutes. By that time, Jamal carried him to the armory and was already picking out weapons, first he went for his favorite, an AK-47 modified with incendiary and higher caliber bullets powerful enough to take down the empire state building in 10 shots. Then they left for the hotel.
Jamal and Henry walked up to the hotel’s front desk in the lobby. “How can I help you?”
“We would like a room,” Henry responded.
“Normal, luxury, suite, luxury suite, or luxury suite penthouse?”
Jamal looked at Henry. “Luxury suite penthouse.”
“That’s 20,000 dollars a night.”
“We’ll take it!” Henry said.
Jamal reached into his pants and pulled out his portable money printer. He entered a command for two 10,000 dollar bills.
“Henry, can you give me some more ink?”
Henry reached into his pants and pulled out an ink cartridge. “Here you go.”
Jamal gave the lady the two bills. “Do $10,000 bills even exist?” she asked.
“They do now,” Jamal responded.
The lady gave them two room keys. It said room #3 on it, which was the last available room out of the three positive rooms (there were negative rooms where the staff kept equipment and the rest of the rooms are). The rooms were so big that they could only build three. The city wouldn’t let them build another penthouse and they already didn’t have enough land for apartments for everyone in Las Vegas (probably because of all the casinos). The rest of the rooms were underground, they just wanted people to see the penthouses and buy them.
“Only three rooms?” Henry asks.
“Didn’t you read the website?” Jamal responded
“Kind of, we had to go when I got to the third paragraph.”
“There was only one paragraph,” Jamal says
“No, there were seven.”
“Seven lines in the paragraph”
“Ohhh. Ok.” Henry responded.
When Jamal and Henry were chilling in the hot tub, a piece of paper was slid under the door. Then Jamal dried off and picked it up. It said, “Put all your weapons in the mail slot or I’ll release the virus on the entire city -BNR.” It was written in red ink that looked disturbingly like blood.
“What’s this?” Henry asked.
“Who’s BNR?” Jamal pondered.
“I have no idea.”
“Let me look at all the people with the initials BNR in America,” Jamal says while already typing on his computer. “Okay, the first one is Bob Nelson the Rich jerk.”
“Okay,” Henry replied.
“There’s Brock Nerd the Random dude.”
“Okay.”
“And Bonnie Nettles the Robber someone. And she’s robbed 2,000 banks in the past 5 years.”
“Wow, that’s a lot of people with random titles,” Jamal said
“I think it’s her.”
“And she’s living in Las Vegas,” Jamal finished.
“Let’s go arrest her!”
Henry put on his hoverboard shoes and they walked to Bonnie Nettle’s house. Jamal kicked down the door and trotted in. Henry rolled in after him. Bonnie screamed when she saw them.
“What are you doing in my house!?”
“We’re here to arrest you for having possession of a virus.”
“I don’t have it, but here’s the address for the person that does.” She scribbled on a pad.
“How do you know about this?”
“I have… sources.”
“If you don’t tell us, I’m going to let Henry drive over your feet 20 million times on a hoverboard with spikes as wheels, and I’ll eat all your carrots.”
“STOP! I’ll tell you, just don’t eat my carrots! I’m part of the National Criminals Association.”
“National Criminals association? I’ve never heard of it.” Jamal said
“Well, that is the point.”
“Makes sense,” Henry responded.
“Ok, who is it?” Jamal asks.
“It’s some guy named Bill Nye, best of the best apparently.”
“Bill Nye! How?” Jamal shouted, surprised this was possible.
“I don’t know. You know him?” Bonnie responded.
“He’s supposed to be dead, blown up by a nuclear bomb.”
“Really? There’s not a scratch on him,” Bonnie said.
“Who’s Bill Nye?” Henry asks.
“He was a Russian spy in the KGB, best they had. I was sent on an undercover mission to find a hydrogen bomb with him but was meant to blow it up, killing him in the process. It seems I wasn’t the only one to escape,” Jamal answered. “And also, you really shouldn’t put ‘I robbed 2000 banks in the last five years’ on your Instagram account. You are under arrest for armed robbery.”
“Dude, what the heck? I just sold out Bill Nye the Russian Spy to you and you try to get me arrested?!? So uncool.” She said.
She dashed for the door. Jamal raised his wristed and activated his watch taser. “OW!!!” Bonnie collapsed.
“Ooooooooooooooooooof,” Henry said as he secured the handcuffs. “Get yeeted.”
Jamal picked up Bonnie and threw her in the bathroom using his antlers. “We’ll get her later. Now let’s go to Bill Nye’s secret lair.”
They called a taxi. When they got to the address, Henry rammed into the door to Bill Nye’s secret lair. They came face to face with Bill Nye the Russian Spy. In his hand was the secret virus.
“I thought you were dead!” exclaimed Jamal.
“You thought I was dead!” Bill cackled. “Me. The greatest Russian spy of all time! Dead! HA!”
“How’d you do it?” Henry asked.
“It was simple. I rigged the bomb to delay before exploding. That gave me time to escape.”
“Amazing,” Jamal said flatly.
“Hand over the virus,” Henry ordered.
“Ya gonna make me?”
“Yes,” Jamal said. He launched himself at Bill. Henry zoomed at Bill in his jet pack.
But Bill was ready for it. “Check out my Kung Fu!” He jumped at Henry.
Unfortunately, at that moment, Henry’s jet pack ran out of fuel. Henry crashed to the ground. Bill jumped on Henry. Jamal jumped on Bill.
“Get off me you jerk!” Henry shouted at Bill.
“No!” Bill’s laugh turned into a cry of pain as Jamal smashed his antlers into Bill’s back.
Bill’s hand released the test tube containing the virus. Jamal reached down to grab it, but Bill kicked it across the floor. Jamal jumped off of Bill and galloped towards the virus. Bill got off of Henry and stood up. As soon as Jamal picked up the virus, Bill aimed a strange device at Jamal.
“What’s that?” Jamal asked without a trace of worry.
“It’s a device that unleashed high levels of radiation in a small area. Thus, it has the potential to kill you. Or at least do some severe damage.”
“Hmpf,” Jamal muttered
“Hand me the virus,” Bill ordered.
“No.”
“Okay.” Bill raised his weapon at Jamal. “Nice knowing you. Not really.” He gave a cruel smile.
“Hi-ya!” Henry shouted as he kicked Bill in the face. It was a very slow kick and Henry spent most of the fight winding up for the kick. “You’re not the only one that knows Kung-Fu.”
Jamal looked at Bill’s crumpled body on the ground. “Nice work Henry!” Then he noticed that Henry was standing on a segway. “Where did you get that? Where’s your jetpack?”
“Awesome work partner! You put the handcuffs on. I’ll read him his rights!”
“But…” Jamal started.
“Every moment we wait is a moment he can get away.”
Bill Nye was arrested. Jamal and Henry earned a medal for their service to the U.S.A. Again. What a surprise.
Then Jamal shouted,” CRAP! I left Bonnie in the bathroom!” So they went back got her and got another medal. Again. What a surprise.
The Middle Seat 